...Because authenticity is so bourgeois.
No you're not. I am.
Jonathan, Jonathan...(shakes head sorrowfully)... I thought it was clear from the rainwater stain by my step the other day that I am Batman. If it makes you feel better, you can be Aquaman. Or one of the Wonder Twins.
Well, I have a urine stain on my underwear that says I'm the Sub-Mariner, so there.
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